Domestic violence & the all-important question: ‘What will people say?’

Being subject to domestic violence is a matter of great shame for the victim. It’s an internal matter. It’s a family affair. You really don’t want the neighbors to know about it. But how can you keep your neighbors from knowing every intimate detail of your life when you live in a hovel 80-100 square feet, when the walls are paper thin and even the sound of your heavy breathing carries over next door, forget about any screaming/shouting/crying you may do when you are being beaten or if voices are raised. You know they know … not just them, everyone knows, up and down the narrow gali. Whether or not, you show any visible signs of abuse on your face, whether or not you choose to smile and act normal – they know. So among the poor who are living in slum dwellings, privacy is not possible. Shame still is. But women sympathize with women. They understand how it can be that your husband is taking it out on you, and they don’t blame you.

As Nayreen Daruwalla, the Director of the Prevention of Violence Against Women and Children Program at SNEHA told me, “They have already fallen so low. They have nothing to lose when they come to us. So…they are not scared about trying to keep things quiet.”

Once victims of extreme violence, today volunteer community organizers for SNEHA, as ‘sanginis’ meaning ‘someone who will stand by your side.’ The women in this picture are very brave for standing up for their own rights and fighting for those of others around them. They are uneducated, poor women but not unempowered. They have learnt how to fight for their rights. They have no fear for themselves, but as mothers they fear for their children.

Photo credit: SNEHA Mumbai

However, we discussed a different scenario as well: A woman from a well to-do household, with money, position, a large house with many rooms, many walls, strong walls that hold sound in. She cares, she cares a lot more. “She has a lot more at stake,” Nayreen said. She has a certain reputation as being the wife of an important person in the neighborhood and the community. She is a lot more concerned that no one should find out.

Abuse need not always be physical, it can be emotional, mental and insidious, so that the woman no longer knows if she’s coming or going, if she is capable of doing anything on her own or not. Abuse comes in many forms.

Her position may well be the same or worse than the position of the woman in the slum. She is similarly abused and controlled, but she cares a lot more about: ‘What will the neighbors say?’ And not just the neighbors, but what will her own extended family say if they find out. NO ONE must find out.

What will be her position in society if she is not the wife of so-and-so? How will she be identified? What is her status? Perhaps the only thing worse than being single, is being divorced. Holding up a brave face to the world. Being known as a ‘divorced woman.’ Yes, people will sympathize with her, to some extent, but, at the end of the day, she will be known as a ‘divorcee.’ Does she really want someone’s pity that is, after all, mixed with their judgement – at some level. If they don’t judge her, personally, as being at fault; they will judge her fate as being cursed that she should have landed in this situation.

How different is this reaction of two women who are otherwise in a similar position of being abused! Privacy fears are of such paramount importance to women in middle-class/wealthy households that they may never come out and seek help, afraid of being ‘found out.’ For slum dwellers, there is no privacy – you live, you die with the eyes of the world upon you.  

Each of the stone steps on either side of this narrow gali/lane is an entire house for anywhere from 6 to 10 people. It will include a tiny kitchen but the bathrooms are often shared community resources, placed at distance from the dwelling itself. They also often become places where children are preyed upon. This, however, is one of the best areas among the slums that I visited.

Photo credit: SNEHA Mumbai

The helplessness is perhaps the same … who do I turn to? How will I manage alone? How will I handle the financial impact of separating if that happens? How will I be safe(r) alone, without a man’s name attached to me in public? After all these years together, what does it mean for me to be on my own? Was I just wasting myself and my time all these years? It is so hard to grapple with all the issues involved. If there are children, as they often are, they are usually a reason for just sticking it out. However, abuse of the mother is abuse of the child. The reverberations of abuse are felt throughout the household. Children are seldom spared.

Domestic abuse is not limited by barriers of class, wealth, status. It is widespread. However, a woman’s response is conditioned by her position in society. Why then should there be a society where the victim can also become the accused? Why should there be a society, a family structure where compassion is so lacking; where strength in numbers is the strength of oppression, not solidarity?

Why should society be organized on the principle of: ‘What will people say?’ And who are these people who have absolutely nothing helpful to say/to offer? What cost do we pay when we buy into the patriarchal set up? And frankly, it is nothing but a ‘set up’ for women who didn’t set it up this way, but are thoroughly conditioned to be a part of it. Why be party to such a hidebound, heavily one-sided system of organizing society?  Yet, you are just a part of it by living in society. You just learn not to talk about these kinds of issues and learn to internalize shame. Your husband’s problem becomes your shame.

Why shouldn’t a woman who is being abused not feel like it is her right to seek help – from family, from a counselor, from friends? And why shouldn’t family and friends feel like they are ready to help in any way they can, without judgement?

Listening to a group of sanginis. The two on the left-hand side are powerful, established figures in the community, the peace-makers, the activists, the ones who demand justice and the ones who women turn to when they are in trouble. They are recognized and respected in their role as spokeswomen who will fight for the rights of others. They have been trained by SNEHA in this capacity.

Photo credit: SNEHA Mumbai

Why should patriarchy dominate our thinking, our way of life at every step in India? Why are current norms set up to favor men? Why should we not strive for equality in our relationships between men and women? And why should we not actively practice compassion? Why is face-saving the dominant value in Indian society? Is one’s worth only measured by the approval in the ‘neighbor’s eyes?’

This fear of revelation goes hand-in-hand with the nature of our existing societal setup. Victims of domestic violence may be better served by a society where their abuse is looked at as unacceptable, where they are not judged, where they feel free to speak up knowing they will receive support, not just a critical appraisal.

We have a long way to go still in India. So-called ‘Indian values’ are in dire need to being reappraised and restructured.

Life is lived on these narrow streets in the slums of Mumbai. Space and privacy are alien terms.

Photo credit: SNEHA Mumbai